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Monthly Archives: June 2010

pray do not talk so loud you might be overheard

I’m a always shooting. I’m a fiend, I’m a sniper.

The inner arm, the highway, in the back rooms

I pay my piper,

inside toilets, petrol stations, in bars or lost friends squats,

abandoned factories, in my bedroom and late night parking spots .

You see, I’m intrigued I’m fascinated,

I’m serene whilst assassinated,

I’m committed I am focused,

me the piranha, me the locust..

I will shoot for me, I will shoot for you…I will shoot when you don’t really want me to.

I shoot when I feel good, I shoot when I feel low, I shoot because I have to, I shoot, I shoot to blow.

Its a trying one this, the curious always ask,

from where does it originate? How do you decide?

What sparked the idea? Why oh why oh why?

I cannot fathom answers, I have no correct reply,

I only know the feeling and the mantra ‘have a try’.

It soothes me all this shooting, it keeps emotion live,

it feeds the soul, it has it role in this dire life of mine.

When the adrenaline is rushing when the eyes are bright with lust,

if a similar vein is mentioned, I know I feel I must.

The humdrum always softens, the madness steps one back,

I like to be here often, I like to bear this cross.

My vices cause me trouble, my calling keeps me broke,

I cannot stop this shooting and gossip I provoke.

What is man if not destined, to kill all that she loves,

and grotesque her thats sinned and excluded from above?

Shooting the sky at all cost, shooting the squalor the pain,

shooting my fellow scholar,shooting for loss and for gain.

We all have our defects, our iniquity lies so tame

And I?  I have my shooting, my fault I cannot blame

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an aye for an aye and a horse for a horse and i swore I rode the course and i'm not afraid to die

a city skyline from the corner balcony of the arca (ne) balcony, a centre that promises to get your life back….for good. naltrexone, concerned nurses, warm fluffy blankets, an indian doctor with marbled eyes, a nigerian psychologist, yellow drips, a soft hand, valium, unread books, needles and feeds, 4 pillows, a small window blinded by the back streets, a writhing co-criminal, kind words and snatches of reality, stompies, sedation and small packets of pills, these are a few of my favourite things that will make me apparently feel better again.

i bought brandy and downed it in my coffee last night watching the mist set in, a glass of bubbly, 2 glasses of red wine, alone crying, too ashamed of the tears, making great plans to buy a packet of sunshine this morning prove them, wrong, god i have a problem, woke up on the right side of the bed, surveying the beautiful chaos of my thoughts spread out in abandon, being a smart arse about everything, commentry commentry its coming from all directions, dostoevsky was a gambler i like, but don’t you dare ask me about the film, stuck and hating the sickness that made me place scene after scene and technology sucks it doesnt work it some days i feel like i’m getting smaller and smaller but the nights i grow taller and taller, thank the streets…then stab them to death. warning, contanminated sharpies, warning scarred monster at the keyboards, what a to do, theres a move on the way leonard cohen on the headphones, cheap coffee, no airtime, concerned folks back home, its amazing how everything works out for the best, how they’ll do good deeds for ya when they’ve taken away your vices, they’ve stick you in the basement and install a fucking skylight. to think a week ago i was at winefarm drinking to my black hearts content, snorting cape town coke with abandon, fiddling at 4am with the gas fire and phoning a distrubed jonathon in london promising him that life was good – i walking with cheetahs, flying with eagles, aye sisters of mercy where be ya? doors are a slamming and the ones that appeared to be open were catch phrases of the silent night. what is to become of the long days ahead of me, so much debt, so little money, actuallly fuck all coins in the back pocket, no teeth, no strength, no job so so so long marianne, searching for the trigger to get me out of here, where to do the deed in the wild life beyond the dam, on the bridge, got to keep it clean, got to keep it streamed…a suicide pact i say i lie its all a bunch of twisted dreams laid on avi and lost somewhere, loss and despair. social anxiety keeps the child at bay, leads the child astray, why does the beautiful depth start with an o and end with a d add an s for effect. dealers hassling me on the phone, in my head, is it over he asked i don’t know i don’t know i sighed. time to go get dripped.

how do we stop the social stigma how do we cure cancer i answered graham was a civil engineer, he had good manners when performing his work. me i just live for the insult, the swagger, always double the trouble, ja. semi sane and suspicious minds, andrew is emaciated and king shaka looks like a herd boy, headlines but no real lines. i had a dream that there was this button that could stop it all. i just don’t when the right fucking time is. my heart disease has a name, endocarditis, too school for school am i no veins for them to find, scar tissue was never this hilarious laughed avril sticking the drip in my foot, ow. the problem is i don’t feel guilty enough smiley and i were stopped by the cops for 6 hours on the side of the road for my outdated drivers license. i dropped a gram in front of their smugs and they didn’t even shrug. we’re treated like thieves here every move is watched, every action recorded, step step step in line and you’ll be just fine. nostalgia is after all a thing of the past.

Consider yourself at home
Consider youself one of the family
We’ve taken to you so strong
It’s clear we’re going to get along
Consider yourself well in
Consider yourself part of the furniture
There isn’t a lot to spare
Who cares?..What ever we’ve goin we share!

If it should chance to be
We should see
Some harder days
Empty larder days
Why grouse?
Alsyas a-chance we’ll meet
Somebody
To foot the bill
Then the drinks are on the house!
Consider yourself our mate
We do’t want to have no fuss,
For after some consideration, we can state
Consider yourself
One of us!