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Monthly Archives: July 2010

i wish i had a horse's head

Skating on the morning sunlight. He’s tried to call 37 times in a row. A mind obsessed with numbers, minutes, seconds…the day is killing time, foot after foot after feet after fleet. The wild beasts on the hill, crystal clear in the morning, bent back, crooked spine, I’ll keep them waiting, I’ll leave them all behind. There’s going to be an accident. The flag has frayed as the subconcious make their way to their beds. Staring at a ghost in the mirror, a dent in the pillow, a slow spiral intoxication. The senses are always the last to go.

He was swimming he was willing he was a little bit hectic here…tell me about it, was the reply, a disguise, a surprise to shock away the fear

the pace has changed, . The green and gold serve only as frustration, the white and the brown a welcome distraction; regret and derision, reflection; division, I just throw it all away.

is it really so strange?

Inertia, i’ve been wearing these white trainers for 7 years, endurance, laziness, its one and the same really. Wolves at the door, me shivering like a scared child, keep them at bay, I pray, keep me saved. I’m chomping sleeping tablets in the afternoon, fairly commenting on white owl’s eyes, may all your days be gold my child, babies in photos, everyones growing up. 7 years I tell you, walking through mud and shit, tar and divorce, uncertainty, madness is eating the left side of the brain, I feel its inky labyrinth twisted and contorting the still waves.

If only I didn’t have to look at my hands, if only I could stop the let down, travelling back from the airport, why didn’t I just go to sleep, why did’nt I just stop the madness. Its movement without breaks this travelling synagogue of soiled dreams i’ve built, what to do but crash, what to do but look out to the hills one last time, mutter under the breadth, bend the forks with a thought, keep moving, keep worshipping, pushed to kneel, a servant of this slave, the gods will eventually do me in, they’ll damn well better do me in. Franciscans be weary, Assissi has burnt down and a single stream of smoke is shaped like my former face, the one I tested my friendship with. Oh mark we miss you.

I dont’ feel real anymore, did you take your tablets, she asked, she said, it will all be better soon, just get the spoon, add the sugar, calm your head..

for one last time, I make my case. You junkie scum, you fuckin addict, you’re a piece of shit, worthless, look what you’ve done to your mother the comments come pouring in, well fuck you all, don’t fuckin read what you can’t deal with, don’t come on here with your sanctimonious words, your advice sucks. And through all the blood and shit and urine soaked corners, and dirty bedlinens, the cracked bowls and I owe you’s I promise you’s I use I yuse, theres always one more chance, aint there?

You get a last one i’m sure, and who are you to dictate when that is. I’ll find it in books, i’ll find it on the last pages burned onto the face of that meteor thats about to wipe out your sorry feat. I defy death, I wink and flirt with it. I cannot be killed. I cannot die..

What makes my story better than yours? I’ll tell you, the very fucking fact that i’m telling it. If you can’t be bothered, don’t bother

Do you know your Nafs? I’m dodging planets, walking on the moon, face down, bled, mislead, a single light is enough sometimes to pull you astray, its one rocky road this, I’ll be damned. This earth is scorched.

I awoke to about twenty faces seated on chairs, looking up, I was speaking, is this me, i’m laughing in my head for whats coming out is confused and inbred. You were wonderful my dear, but you were asleep on my shoulder in the car. That was dear trevor. Four days with no sleep, riding this one into the ground, editing the fuck, I’m on the nod standing up, stabbed my hand with the scissors,…accident…blood all over the toilets, no drivers license, shuttled off, hello computer.

Fake hair breathes fake visions. Speed traps, tracks, community based projects. Wandering around downtown grahamstown. Hooking up with Joseph, we’re so continental, went from zulu to xhosa, to malawi, ghana and back to nigeria. I tip my hat at the small guy who arrives outside the bar with the goods. I’m no missionary but I always find myself in this position. I’m no fake, i’m a fake. I’m the dog that ate your birthday cake. This is your journey’s end, my friend. Just one day at a time, one long day.

And thank you for the well wishes, dear hearts, those who send the thoughts that I can reread whilst trapped in another rehabilitation program, oh they are endless these start again thingamujigs but I appreciate the words, its just you know its just.. too much smoke, too few mirrors, I cut an icy exterior, i’m looking bad, real bad, scars, bloated, wrinkled, forlorn, insecure, dodgy eyes, water gripe water, do you know how long thats been going on for…years I tell ye.

Proclivity and anti climax, new tax for the newly initiated. I have lots to do but feint want of doing it at all. Eyes and spies come at you like fame if you believe the papers. Waggish and ill fitted I bother to stand and walk, talking is another matter altogether, oh what coquettish life we lead when first we practise to deceive. I before eve except after sleep.

Don’t be malevolent she warns me, try just for a while how bad can it get. Bad enough that I gave him his first line, a car wash entrepeneur, jailed for burglary, sitting in my plush 4 star bed and breakfast watching me shoot up, talking about malema, the anc youth league in the eastern cape whilst I flit about, he eyes me with respect, he knows he’s on show.

And the tanzanians are moving in, ill shoe repair benches outside shopping malls are where i’m to be found, good stuff too, bigger prouder, whiter, browner. Omar with a grin that could teach the world a thing or three. Kenneth’s not liking the competition. Thank god for these white walls protectinng me from what I want, thank god for the restrictions on cellphones, the ibuprofen and the warm blankets. Warmest Restoration i’ve had in a while. And he can slap my face, throw viscious words, stop the car, spit at me, hate me, love me, I do not care for I am now…for now….i am just another sparrow.

Some days I just wanna up and call it quits,
I feel like I’m surrounded by a wall of bricks,
Every time I go to get up I just fall in pits,
My life’s like one great big ball of shit,

If I could just put it all in to all I spit,
‘Stead I always try an’ swallow it,
Instead of staring at this wall and shit,
While I sit writers block sick of all this shit,
Can’t call it shit,

all I know is I’m about to hit the wall,
If I have to see another one of Mom’s alcoholic fits,
This is it, last straw, that’s all, that’s it,
I ain’t dealin’ widdanother fuckin’ politic,

I’m like a skillet bubblin’ until it filters up,
I’m about to kill it, I can feel it buildin’ up,
Blow this buildin’ up, I’ve concealed enough,
My cup run’ith over, I done filled it up

The pen explodes n’ busts, ink spills my guts,
You’d think all I do is stand here and feel my nuts,
Well I’ma show you what, you gon’ feel my rush,
You don’t feel it then it must be too real to touch,
Peel the dutch, I’m about to tear shit up,

Goosebumps, yeah, I’ma make ya hair sit up,
Yeah, sit up, I’ma tell ya who I be,
I’ma make you hate me, ’cause you ain’t me,
You wait, it ain’t too late to finally see,
What you close minded fucks were too blind to see,
Whoever finds me’s gonna get a finder’s fee,
Out this world, ain’t no one out they mind as me,

You need peace of mind, here’s a piece of mine,
All I need’s a line but sometimes,
I don’t always find the words ta rhyme,
To express how I’m really feelin’ at that time,
Yeah sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, just sometimes,

It’s always me, how dark can these hallways be?
The clock strikes midnight, 1, 2, then half-past 3,
This half-assed rhyme with this half-assed piece a’ paper,

I’m desperate at my desk if I could just get the rest,
Of this shit off my chest, again, stuck in this slump,
Can’t think of nothing, fuck I’m stumped,
But wait here comes something,

Nope, it’s not good enough, scribble it out, new pad,
Crinkle it up ‘n throw that shit out,
I’m fizzlin’ now, thought I figured it out,
Ball’s in my court but I’m scared to dribble it out,

I’m afraid, but why am I afraid, why am I a slave to this trade,
Cyanide I’ll spit to the grave, real enough to rile you up,
Want me to flip it I can rip it any style you want,

I’m a switch hitter bitch, Jimmy Smith ain’t a quitter,
I’m a sit here ’til I get enough,
For me to finally hit a fuckin’ boilin’ point,
Put some oil in ya joints,
Flip the coin, bitch, come get destroyed,

An MC’s worst dream I make ’em tense they hate me,
See me and shake like a chain-link fence,
By the looks of ’em you would swear that Jaws was comin’,
By the screams of ’em you would swear I’m sawing someone,
By the way they running you would swear the law was comin’,
It’s now or never and tonight it’s all or nothin’,

Momma, Jimmy keeps leavin’ on us, he said he’d be back,
He pinky promised, I don’t think he’s honest,
I be back baby, I just got to beat this clock,
Fuck this clock, I’ma make ’em eat this watch,
Don’t believe me watch, I’ma win this race,
and I’ma come back and rub my shit in ya face,
Bitch, I found my niche, you gon’ hear my voice,
‘Til you sick of it you ain’t gonna have a choice,
If I gotta scream ’til I have half a lung,
If I have half a chance I grab it, Rabbit, run.

eminem – rabbit run